she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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