I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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