I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
