you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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