I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
