so that wasnt chicken after all
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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