If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
