he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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