My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
