He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
