hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
