in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
