So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
