Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
