i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
