tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
