I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
