So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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