I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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