I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
