i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
