Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
