You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i can't believe i had my finger in that
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
