If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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