I'm really into asian looking animals
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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