My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
