I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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