Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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