I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
