how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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