I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
