god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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