i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
