I wish my penis had an off switch
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
