I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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