I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
did i walk over a car last night?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
