Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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