I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
