we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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