best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
