there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
