I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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