I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He literally asked permission to hit on me
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
