Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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