the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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