I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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