just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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