I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Semen is not good for contacts.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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