i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
