doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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