i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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