Dual....:-)
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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