I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
