No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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