it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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