Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
