can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
